Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm your host here with Hairball Plotter-
Hairy: Call me Hairy
Host: (Pause) Oookay, I'm here with Hairy Plotter and he's going to tell us about some of his - er -

Hairy: Innovations

Host: Innovations? I thought they were just the opposite -

Hairy: Well, eccentric innovations anyhow. You know, the kind of stuff that gets the job done, but with a lot
more moving parts!

Host: Please explain

Hairy: Well, you see, it's not incumbent upon me as a consultant to work myself out of a job. I need a way
to stay employed and ensconced, and complexity is just the ticket

Host: How so?

Hairy: The more complex the environment, the better job security I have

Host: We have a caller from Ontario on the line, a question for Mr. Plotter?

Caller: Yes, I'm an IT manager and I've found that when people try to embed themselves as you describe, they create risk
for me, and I don't like that.

Hairy: Thanks for that input. I'll file that.

Caller: Wait a second, are you blowing me off?

Hairy: What difference does it make? If you like it or you don't, you're still stuck with me.

Caller: Unless I find something better.

Hairy: I'll just milk your budget so there's nothing to spend on something better. Works for me.

Caller: But that doesn't work for me.

Hairy: Noted.

Caller: But -
(click)

Host: We have another caller from a financial services firm in New York. Caller you're on the air.

Caller: Thanks, I agree with Hairy on this. Contractors are punted around and treated like fodder. We need a way to
keep our jobs and pay our bills. Working ourselves out of a job doesn't fit that mold. We need more ways to
make work for ourselves, even if it's artificial.

Host: Artificial?

Hairy: Well said!

Host: Wait a second, artificial?

Hairy: Well, of course its artificial. All of us are smart enough to do it better, faster, smarter. Heck, I could deploy a
high-reuse/low maintenance implementation that basically lets you run things lights-out.

Host: Good for you!

Hairy: Oh no, so not good for me. Once it's deployed I get a final paycheck and have to ride into the sunset. Seems romantic
but the sunset doesn't pay the bills!

Host: So you find a way to make yourself useful.

Hairy: No, I find a way to make myself necessary. Usefulness is for suckers.

Host: Now wait a second -

Hairy: Now listen. Everyone does it. At one of my favorite clients, all of the contractors are on a perpetual time-and-materials contract. When we
had some folks show up on a fixed-price gig, they practically pulled their eyeballs out when they couldn't get any urgency out of anyone.

Host: Why not?

Hairy: Because all those time-and-materials folks had a vested interest in protracting the work until the next day or the next week. Practically

every time we said we needed something right away because our clock was ticking, they would offer it up for delivery "next Friday" or some such.

But you know, If they ever looked ike they were wrapping up, it could spell curtains for their cushy little tushy.

Host: (laughs) I see what you mean.

Hairy: It's just how the game is played.

Host: So IT staffing is just a game?

Hairy: Musical chairs. In so many ways.

Host: So what are some of the ways that you - well - set this up?

Hairy: Invest in a lot of wool.

Host: Sorry?

Hairy: We'll be pulling it over the manager's eyes.

Host: Oh, I see, that's kind of funny.

Hairy: Thought you would like that. But seriously, we take the simplest, most direct way to implement something, so that we
know exactly what it would look like, then do the opposite.

Host: Seriously?

Hairy: Well of course. If we do the simplest approach, there's no room for a hero to step in an save the day. Lots of little
virtual terrorists running around in a complex system. Think about how the 9/11 terrorists were able to evade
electronic surveillance - they stayed off the grid and used cash, and were able to fool the other systems into thinking
they were out of the country.

Host: So you use the same technique?

Hairy: Well, the same forms of deception of course. If we built over-complex systems accidentally people would say that we're
clever, but if we do it deliberately, we're clearly diabolical. I would never deliberately paint myself to look bad, so we have to be a little

deceptive, right?

Host: Hmm, so this is a little disturbing. I want to know - oh we have a caller from Orlando.

Caller: Hey man, I want to come work with you.

Hairy: Shoot me a resume.

Host: Stay on the line and we'll take your contact information. There's another caller from Dallas Texas. Dallas, you're on the air.

Caller: Hey, this whole deliberate-snowstorm thing is really a different way to look at things.

Hairy: Snowstorm, I like that. When one of my first mentors realized this technique, he said in a gruff voice - "You're a blizzard, Hairy."
At least I'm not slithering - around you know like those snakepits where the idea-mongers hang out. Ideas are good for a spell, then they wear off.
Almost like-   Like snake-charming, or snake-whispering.

Host: But I mean, doing it deliberately seems, well -

Hairy: I know what you're about to say. But think about it. Whether we do it deliberately or accidentally, the outcome is
the same. They are interested in the system, but we're interested in self-preservation. If I have to choose, I say, don't
do self-preservation by accident. Do it deliberately. This means set yourself up to be necessary.
Host: Explain necessary?

Hairy: Of course. The more complex the system the more they need you. If it's simple, what do they need you for?

Host: But if they figure out what you're doing, you're cooked, right?

Hairy: But if I work myself out of a job, the outcome is the same. No paycheck.

Host: So you're saying that most data warehousing is just accidental brilliance?

Hairy: Acccidental or deliberate, the outcome is the same.

Host: Oh, please, don't go fatalist on me.

Hairy: Come on, man. Most folks can't pull this off whether accidental or deliberate. The fact is, we still stand up a functional,
operating environment. Consumers are being fed, users are getting what they want. Forget the fact that the
environment is stood up on pallettes and serviced by swarming people on rollerskates.

Host: I- suppose.

Hairy: Again, if someone stood up the working environment and had all this stuff in it, you'd call it clever. Only when
you realize that the complexity is artificial would you take exception to it. If you never realize this, I will always
have a paycheck and you will always have an operational system. You'll never fire me, because I'm your most visible hero.

Host: Ever heard of Munchhausen-by-proxy syndrome?

Hairy: Not familiar with it, no.

Host: Where a care-giver deliberately harms their child in order to be seen as the savior that delivers them from harm.

Hairy: I see a pattern, sure.

Host: You said it yourself, diabolical.

Hairy: Only if they realize it. Perception is the key.

Host: But you're admitting to it here. On the air.

Hairy: Nobody will remember it. For one good reason: It's so outrageous that it simply cannot be true.

Host: Unbelievable.

Hairy: ExACTLY!

Host: But what about scalability? When volumes increase, invariably the complex systems are crushed.

Hairy: Oh please, only about five percent of all implementations have that issue, so if I stay away from those, I'm gold.

Host: But what if one of your implementations grows into this? Seems like you'd have some explaining to do.

Hairy: What are the odds? I can easily place myself in the lower-scale zone and make a good living at it.

Host: But you would agree that the larger the scale, the more the need for simplicity?

Hairy: I don't do scale, so why would I care? I blow smoke into a manager's face, nose or other orifices and take a paycheck. What
does scale mean to me?

Host: You have a lot of disparaging things to say about these decision-makers. Aren't they your customers?

Hairy: Look, you have people like me, who work the magic, and people who sit in the office, smug in their confidence that
they know exactly what to do and how to do it. My objective is to make sure they stay on the outside looking in,
snuggled next to their branded-coffee cup and blissfully unaware of my agenda. We call them the Smuggles.

Host: Smuggles?

Hairy: Yeah, Smug people who snuggle with coffee. Their users are the Smuggees. Smug people who know data but don't know beans
about how to make it operational. Always offering opinions. Who cares what they think?

Host: Clearly not you.

Hairy: Well, I care what they think to an extent. As long as their reports are running to spec, it doesn't matter how we pulled
it off, only that they get the data they want.

Host: The "how" and "what" question. I've heard that before.

Hairy: And what I've heard before, is the endless droning of users dictating to us how we should deploy the systems.

Host: And what do you do with that?

Hairy: If their suggestion will make the environment more complex and difficult to manage, we're all over it. If it makes the
environment easier to operate, we push back. We call it the "you asked for it" policy. It's a theme, you see.

Host: Yes, I can see that.

Hairy: O I love 'em. Nothing is better than deliberately choosing a platform that can't cut the mustard. I mean, they're not really
hard to pick, you know. Imagine getting almost to the end of the project and hitting that hard
wall - flying right into it like a blind witch on a runaway broom. It's hysterical to watch all these
folks running around like headless chickens. You can't pay for that kind of entertainment. But of course,
they do pay for it, and handsomely.

Host: Until they realize that you're in the center of it?

Hairy: Eye of the storm you mean, where the seas are calm. I never lose my cool, so they always think things
are under control until someone pulls the single thread that unravels it all. I have plausible deniability. Keeps
me working and the paychecks coming. Sweet.

Host: Don't you think this is a bit - you know - underhanded?

Hairy: The mass layoffs of the turn of the century were underhanded. They created a 1099-Culture that basically means all of us are
mercenaries. Soldiers of fortune. We go to the highest bidder no matter what. There's no conscience in that existence, especially when we could
be working for one company today and their competitor tomorrow. Those companies treat the 1099's like batteries - plug 'em in, burn 'em out and toss 'em.

Host: Seems a bit cynical.

Hairy: One of the better parts about this kind of consulting is that I can propose the solution without
actually producing anything. Then I can flit from flower to flower, pollinating these ideas. They pay
me for the ideas, not the actual work, you see.

Host: So you propose, but you don't actually execute?

Hairy: Execution is somone else's problem. Why should I stick around to see if the proposals actually work? If
they don't, there's another feather in my hairball cap, or rather another notch in my mayhem gun. But
if the solution works, good grief, all that work for nothing? May as well stay home and play video
games.

Host: What would you like to leave our audience with?

Hairy: Oh, I suppose, don't worry, be happy and all that. I have a new book coming out called Managing Expectations.

Host: So tell us about that.

Hairy: It's all about how to give the user a false sense of security while we do whatever we want. I'm all about what's expedient
for me, but most of the time when the client sees what I'm doing, they love it because it makes things expedient for them as well. Soon
everyone is following the beat of the same drummer.

Host: Which would be?

Hairy: Get it done no matter what the cost. That way, I can charge whatever I want. Cost is no limit.

Host: I see. I think.

Hairy: When you think about it, most IT folk want to do things the expedient way anyhow. Over-thinking the problem seems so stodgy to them.
In fact, most of the time when we're going through the analysis phase, I can see it written in their expression and practically popping from
their eyeballs.

Host: What's that?

Hairy: The desire to start coding! Heck, practically every conversation is punctuated with how they intend to do it - long before the analysis
is complete. That's because IT folk just don't have the patience for analysis. They want to get coding. I just set the expectation that we'll
code first and analyze later.

Host: So when does the analysis come into play?

Hairy: What analysis? If we start coding the analysis never happens. There's never enough time. After all, the herald cry of
expedience is - "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" What do you get when you start coding
without any analysis? Hairball city. That's my stomping ground.

Host: Thank you for your time Mr. Plotter. This has been very - uh - enlightening.

Hairy: My pleasure

(pause)

Host: That was Hairy Plotter with his half-baked stints. Be with us next time when Jason Statham joins us for
"Data Transporter 2", where he kicks a bunch of back-ends with ETL tools. Until then, happy computing and keep that data flowing!

--

--

--